I think it’s Day 14. I can’t count anymore. I barely remember what day it is. It’s Blursday, the 40th of Mariplay, right?

Today wasn’t bad overall. Of course, I didn’t go anywhere today. But, I reviewed the next module for a free class I’m taking. I sifted through OCD group requests. I attended a choir meeting and church online. I viewed an OCD Kids Movie (very well done, by the way!). The part involving the siblings struck me. OCD seriously impacts the entire family. More on that in a future post.

One thing that struck me today was a significant need to educate people with OCD and anxiety on how to strike a balance on taking healthy precautions, due to the virus, and not having a setback in recovery. How much Exposure Therapy is appropriate during this time? When does it cross the line of putting someone in danger? We can’t be certain. We have to live with the uncertainty and make our best guess, though I will say I’m not an expert with this.

Well, yesterday was interesting. Did not make it through one day without texting my therapist and getting reassurance about childline triggers. I will keep plugging. I was also informed at work about someone being sent home with a fever, so there went my five minutes of peace. I was pretty tense the whole day.

Yesterday was also the beginning of new quarantine protocols for us at work. We have to wear a mask when we are in the building. We also have to be screened each time we go in. This really made it hit home for me. The seriousness of this virus is awful. I can’t go home for Easter. I can’t spread it to those I haven’t been around. Isolating is pretty hard, but we will get through this.

Today was my first weekend day of mostly isolating at home. What was I going to do today? I managed to come up with a few things, like clean the bathroom and do some laundry. One thing that is a bit more difficult is that my manicure was cancelled, and I had to do my nails at home. First example of what happens with the coronavirus quarantine, lol! My nails seriously look like I’ve done them at home. And you can tell I’m inexperienced at doing them, lol! You can find some funny moments in all of this for sure. I’m waiting for my nail polish remover to arrive to repair the damage. Yes, I said arrive. That’s my new normal. Getting groceries delivered… If they have what I want.

So, that’s my last two days of this isolating thing in a nutshell. Tune in soon for more!

Like the title? I’m not good at posting daily, obviously. So, I decided to try to post every few days during this time. I’m going try to shed some light on how it affects me and also some of my friends in all aspects.

This has been an unprecedented trying time. The world is in a crisis. We are quarantining due to the coronavirus. How is this affecting the world you ask? We are essentially seeing so many people die from this disease. It’s very contagious. So, we are on lockdown. It’s very stressful.

How is this affecting myself and people I know?

Well, I will start with myself. I’m a psych nurse, so I still have to work. My hospital is opening a unit for those with corona virus. We have to wear masks at work. We have to check the patients for symptoms. We have to try to explain this to the patients too, as much as they will understand. My patients mostly have autism and intellectual disabilities. So it’s hard to get them to understand.

As far as how it affects me, it’s hitting in a lot of ways. We do have to stay at home unless we are essential personnel. We are recommended to carry our badges when we are heading to and from work. Other than that, I’m mostly at home. I do try to keep busy by watching TV, hosting online support groups, and a few small projects. I started ordering my groceries. That is a change. The stores are running out of things, and I’m having to change things on my list. For example, they didn’t have my fat free cheddar cheese. O had to substitute full fat cheese. That triggers my fears of gaining weight again. I’ve been fairly careful about what I eat, and I’m afraid of this changing that. I’m now panic shopping at the store, just like everyone else. The stores are running out of food, toilet paper, and cleaning wipes. I watch the news, and I feel more scared. The death toll is rising. But, we have to do what we can to brighten our days. I miss the physical connection with people. But, I am learning more about video chatting and doing things online.

How is this affecting my mental health? I go up and down hourly. I am afraid of the unknown. My OCD (and everyone else’s) loves certainty. And, we don’t have that right now. I can’t even plan more than a day in advance. I’m panicking anytime someone says they’re sick, and I’ve been with them. I’ve called the health lines twice already (I’m fine, btw.). My OCD is latching onto everything. It’s really focusing on my hyper responsibility regarding reporting child abuse. It is thinking that everything is child abuse, and I’ve done more compulsions than I like. I’ve also had health OCD come up. I’ve been afraid that every symptom I’ve had is coronavirus. I also had hit and run OCD come up a few weeks ago , thanks to a drunk person slapping my car while I was driving on St. Patrick’s weekend. It’s been a perfect anxiety and OCD storm. My therapist is doing therapy sessions online, and she finally told me I can text her when I have urges to compulse. She really is a huge help.

I also notice how much some friends are suffering too. I really feel for those who aren’t working or able to pay their bills. I have an empathy for their situations, and it’s awful. I try to express those feelings. I know people are dying, but it’s normal to feel sad about this too. It’s okay to feel for them too. It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. I’m still learning that everyone is entitled to their feelings and thoughts, whatever they are. At times, that is a hard pill to swallow. And, I have to accept that I might not get that certain feeling that people understand me (even when they say they do). Dialectical Behavioral Therapy skills certainly are hard. But, it’s time to let ourselves accept the facts, feel whatever we are feeling, and be okay with the fact that others may or may not feel the same way. Breathe… We will get through this.

For some of us, OCD can be like the wind. The intensity varies from day to day. Some days are worse than others. I have a particular recurring theme where I am afraid of being held responsible for harming a child, including knowing about potential harm and going to jail over it. By the way, as a disclaimer, OCD makes us believe that we are everything that goes against our values. We actually would not harm children, etc.

Anyway, these are not great days. I get hit with big triggers that fall into gray areas that can be open to interpretation. Some days are more like a freight train that takes longer to recover from. Others aren’t quite that bad. On those days, I can limit the rituals to just about three or four outward ones. I can also distract myself more from the mental ones. With the outward rituals, I ask for reassurance or check notes, etc. The mental rituals are a lot of analysis over the situation. On bad days, it can take a day or so to recover (and store it to bring up to my therapist at my appointment.).

This is one that I still need to work on. I am well into recovery, and it doesn’t take as many whole days in my mind. I have exposures that I do related to this theme, and they change depending on what’s bothering me at the time. I can actually push myself to get through the day and do what I need to do. Recovery is possible, folks!

Until next time… The RealOCD Girl

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